Dear Prime Minister Persson,
I'm an American citizen who recently became aware of your upcoming visit with President Bush here in the United States. I am also aware that it is quite a rare occurance for a Swedish Prime Minister to visit the White
House, so I thought I would give you some advice to make your visit with him go more smoothly and avoid any unnecessary faux paus.
First of all, be sure to refer to him as "Dubya". This is what everyone here calls him, and he seems to like it a lot. We already had one president named George Bush, and another one is just too confusing for most of us to comprehend.
Actually, many of us don't even know or care who the president is at all.
Most of us don't even vote, but that's a different story altogether.
My point is that it's easy to confuse the two George Bush's, even when they're riding in the same golf cart together. They look a hell of a lot alike. Both declared war on Iraq, and both have vomited on a foreign leader during their term in office. If you do get confused, though, Dubya is usually the one who is squinting and reading a Teleprompter.
Reading a Teleprompter is one of the things Dubya does best. He is even quoted as saying this about his ability: "No matter what anyone says, I can read a Teleprompter. Thus, I have all capabilities necessary to be an American president in the Information age."
Compliment him on this. Tell him you admire his ability to read. Ask him what his favorite book is. I heard it's "The Bible". Maybe he'll be willing to read some of it for you when you're there. Request for him to read the part about "Thou Shalt Not Kill".
You may also want to brush up on your knowledge of country and western music. It's Dubya's favorite, and if he thinks you like it too the chances of a favorable meeting will increase beyond your wildest expectations. If I were you I would memorize the words to Toby Keith's "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue". In case you don't have time, I'll give you some lines from the song:
"Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list And the Statue of Liberty started shaking her fist
The eagle will fly and it's going to be hell. When you hear Mother Freedom start ringing her bell
You'll be sorry that you messed with the USA We'll put a boot in your ass. It's the American way."
If conversation becomes dull, start singing this at the top of your lungs. Before you know it, he'll be sharing the locations of OUR weapons of massdestruction with you. Don't mention the Dixie Chicks, though. Yes, they are country and western, but they disrespected him on stage last year pretty badly. He'll call the secret service on you faster than you can say "Abba".
Prime Minister, I have to warn you right now that Dubya is going to ask you for some of your army men. Not the plastic kind you played with when you were a kid. He already has plenty of those in the oval office. He wants the real ones. Keep in mind what Dubya said shortly after the attacks on
"Over time it's going to be important for nations to know they will be held accountable for inactivity. You're either with us or against us in the fight against terror."
Forgive me if I'm incorrect, but I believe this quotation has the word "Sweden" written all over it. This can be interpreted as meaning any country not helping the United States with the war on terror is guilty of contributing to the problem. I just read that you have some of your soldiers performing reconstruction in Afghanistan, so maybe you're in the clear.
However, Dubya will still want you in Iraq as well. He's talked a lot of nations into sending their troops there. I'm afraid he may be able to convince you as well.
Please, Prime Minister Persson, don't give into his charms. Tell him exactly what you think of his massacre in Iraq. Explain to him about compassion and the value of human life. Try to make him understand that this is not a cause worth dying for. Ask him if he would risk the lives of his own daughters in this conflict. If not, how can he ask the same of a complete stranger?
When all this fails, and I'm certain it will, I ask you to remind him of those famous words from his favorite book. You remember them too, don't you?
And don't forget to be ready to dodge the vomit.
Aaron Kidd (Journalistikstuderande)